3 Cases of Bullying in 1 Week
As you may know, I often work with people who are being bullied. I hope you have not been in this situation yourself, but you probably know the kind of thing.
Let me give you an overview of the cases I have come across just this week:
Malicious Group Victimisation
This was the first case. A client told me of how he has been bullied by a group of people at work. They are people who work for him and the group extends into the management levels above him.
They have made deliberate and careful attempts to make him think he was losing his mind. They have told blatant lies about his personal life to people in the team.
The response of the directors to this was very poor. They commissioned a questionnaire. They have taken little action and nothing has been done about the perpetrators. The case has gone on for several years.
Trumped Up Complaints
The second case was a woman who had complained of harassment by a colleague. The colleague had behaved in a way that was described in the company guidelines as harassment (ignoring her, making false allegations, telling lies etc).
The complaint was not investigated. Instead, after months of inaction, a formal complaint was made against my client. All of it is unsubstantiated opinion. Half-truths have been twisted to look like incompetence.
My client has been accused of being rigid about paperwork because she identified that vital records were not being completed and this was putting their clients at risk.
School Bullying
The third case was a schoolgirl I have know since she was born. She is a lively, intelligent and kind individual.
She told me, through tears, that her friend had treated her badly. This friend accused her of saying nasty things about her behind her back on her own Facebook wall, amongst other things.
She is frightened to deal with the girl in case she loses all her friends. ,
What Can You Do About This Kind of Bullying?
Let’s look at a case from my school days. I found out about it years later.
A girl I knew quite well, Becky (not her real name), was being bullied by another girl, we’ll call her June.
When I say years later I mean over 20 years later. At the time my friends and I had no idea at all. June was suddenly transferred into our class. Not one of us suspected anything like the very serious bullying that was going on.
So if there had been a questionnaire about it in our class, anyone scoring it would have thought everything was fine apart from the response of the one person who was being bullied (if she had had the guts to be honest).
That’s very much what happened in the first case I describe. So, for this kind of bully, a questionnaire can be virtually useless, unless you really know what you are doing. I think we can agree these people didn't.
The real problem in the first two cases is that the senior managers have not done their jobs properly. They have dodged issues and ignored warnings. They have not gathered the facts properly and, even when they have had the facts, have not taken action.
Another Real Example of Bullying
Let me describe another case I was involved in. It was in a global company. A woman, Jean (not her real name) was being badly bullied by her manager. I met this man by coincidence as he attended a course I was running. I recognised his name on the delegate list.
I put him into a group with two very skilled managers in the hope that they would be able to help him with the exercises during the workshop.
In a matter of minutes, one of those very skilled managers came to tell me that she was having problems with this man. He seemed to be incapable of carrying out the simplest instructions.
I sat down with the three of them and tried my best to help him. Sadly his level of skill was so low that I was unable to help him in a group environment. However, I had seen exactly the behaviour my client had described, so I knew Jean was being completely honest in her descriptions.
HR Department Failure
This behaviour was such a concern that I approached the HR department. I told them of my concerns and the bullying. They were not surprised. But they said they weren’t going to take any action because “His manager doesn’t think there’s any need, and we can’t do anything without the manager.”
Once again, an appalling failure of the senior managers.
What You Need To Know
Managers need to know what to do about bullying:
- How to recognise it (not always easy, as we have seen)
- How to help those suffering from it
- How to help the person doing the bullying
If they don’t have the skills, they need to get some help. In a severe case, I would not expect managers to be able to deal with this – it is very difficult. But I would expect them to get some professional help, or their HR department to help them.
To deal with this kind of thing, you need to know how to investigate it and how to spot the behaviour in the individuals. This is not easy, even if you know what you are looking for (and most managers don’t). Bullies are good at looking good to their managers. That’s how they get away with it.
However it is very effective. Then you need to help people to behave in the way you expect. Next week there will be more on the really extreme behaviour, so keep a look out for it, if it’s an issue in your company.
The School Bully
So lastly let’s talk about my little friend, Tammy. Well, not so little now, nearly the same height as me.
It was heart-rending to see her so upset.
When you are in this position it’s very confusing. You don’t know what to do and you want the problem to go away. But because there are so many friends involved it’s hard to work out how.
The First Question
I asked Tammy what her definition of “friend” was. With a bit of prompting from her sister she identified:
- Someone you like
- Who is kind to you
- Who helps you when you have problems
- Who you like to help
- Who is fun to be with
- Who is nice to you
The Second Question
I asked her if this girl really met the standard she had just described. A huge tear rolled down her cheek.
Her concern was that this girl could “turn my friends against me”.
I asked her if her friends really like this girl. There was a hesitation. It turned out that they were reluctant to say anything about her. You could probably have guessed that. The reason, as you know, is that they are all frightened of her too.
What Can Tammy Do?
The first thing is to realise that this girl is NOT her friend. Then she has to identify how this girl needs to behave if she wants Tammy to be her friend.
Thirdly she probably needs to let her other friends know that she has had enough of this behaviour and is not going to put up with it any more.
Next time the other girl does one of those unpleasant things, Tammy needs to say: “If you want to be my friend you need to …..(be nice to me, talk to me, be honest with me, help me when I have problems....)”
Instead of just smiling and saying it doesn’t matter, because IT DOES MATTER.
Very Special Offer
Because bullying can be so awful, we have put together a very special offer for you – my “Beat the Bully Bundle”
It includes six of our most popular products on bullying and should help you deal with most of the problems you get with bullies.
Lion Taming Without Getting Mauled – my CD which includes how to deal with insults, aggressive questions and my basic bully strategy.
Teleseminar Recording - Dealing with Bullies in the workplace. In this teleseminar we look at some real situations and you find out how to recognise bullying behaviour, what to do if you are being bullied and what not to say.
Difficult People Made Easy (Book) – How to deal with all kinds of difficult people including 34 pages on bullying.
Feedback for the Faint-Hearted (booklet). Giving feedback is one of the best ways of dealing with and preventing bullying, which is why this booklet is included in your pack.
How To Deal With Bullies ebook. This downloadable booklet is focussed completely on bullying and what to do about it. It includes:
- 8 ways to recognise bullying behaviour
- 12 strategies for dealing with bullying
- What you might be doing that makes it worse or more likely
- What to do if your manager is bullying you
- What to do if you are managing someone who is bullying someone else
- How to deal with ’Temper Tantrums‘ when they bully starts shouting and behaving very aggressively
- How to deal with nine kinds of school bullying
- What to do as the parent of a child who is being bullied
- What to do if you have been accused of bullying
- What to do if your child has been accused of bullying
- How to reduce bullying in your school if you are a teacher, head teacher or principal
- How to tell if you are bullying others and what to do about it
The Quick Guide to Dealing With Difficult People
This is a handy guide that goes through six different kinds of difficult behaviour and gives you tools and techniques to deal with them, including:
- Bullies
- Negative people
- Insensitive people
- Indecisive people
- Temper tantrums
- Very detail-oriented people
Just keep it with you all the time, then you will be ready for anything.
The total value if you bought it all separately, is £82.34. We are charging just £36.46 for this week. But we are already running low on copies of “Difficult People Made Easy” because some people saw it on the website last night when I put it up and snapped it up. So get your pack now.